I got up at 7am and went straight to the gym, came home and made a banana, mango, pineapple and green tea smoothie. Yep I actually did that. I would love to say that I do this everyday but I really don’t. I am normally stay in bed till 9 every single damn day. But today I fancied a change. I thought why not start this journey today as I am writing the first bit of this series today. Let’s start this positively right? Wrong. I came home from the gym and that’s when my Mum made a comment. Are you going to start eating healthier because all you eat is crap blah blah blah… You see for me my weight has been a massive issue throughout my life. I have stayed between 10 stone 6 and 11 stone 7 for the past 2 years and before that my heaviest. weight was 13 stone and a size 18. I am currently a size 12 and 11 stone 7. So I am back at the heavy end again. The biggest my mum has ever been in her life is a size 12… so no she probably doesn’t understand how comments affect me and how I really do want to lose weight but due to my depression lack motivation. Lacking motivation and not being able to stay engaged is a common symptom of depression. Another thing I do is comfort eat which a lot of people admit to. What a lot of people will not admit to doing which I also do is “hate eating” where I eat because I know later on it’ll make me feel worse and its a kind of punishment? I don’t know I don’t really get the ins and outs but I do it! So I sat at my laptop thinking what do I do? I have a whole to do list today and I couldn’t bring myself to do any of them all because of the comment my Mum made to me. I felt so shitty about myself all I wanted to do was to get in bed and force myself to go to sleep. On a slightly ‘weaker’ day I would have. But today I ate 3 celebration size twix’s (which I don’t even like… again comfort/hate eating) and then watched the latest YouTube video by Morgan Adams and Angelika Oles Scamella strikes again video, you know to remind myself you don’t actually need to be shit to make money 💁🏽. And now here I am back to writing again. Obviously this is not how I intended to start this series but like I said, I was going to be completely honest.
Let’s go to what I actually wanted to do for my Day 1 section. Talking about what I want and need from this series! Ultimately its just to be a better person but obviously we need to get there and figure out how or what will make me feel this way. I have ideas and goals in mind however am I sure? haha. These are long-term and short-term goals. So here’s my current goals list:
- Be healthier
- Be happy with my weight
- Have a successful career I am happy with
- Own a restaurant or cafe
- Be more motivated
- Stop wasting the day
- Be financially stable
- Save money
- Pass my driving test
- Be more mindful/peaceful
- Go on a real holiday
- Leave my comfort zone
- Try new things
- Find a hobby
- Own a car
Out with the old and in with the new. So yesterday I set some goals and had a little chat with you, I also went out for a meal for my friend Lewis’ birthday which was uh interesting to say the least.
And this morning I’ve gone to the gym, yep that’s 2 days in a row. I currently have 3 hours until I go in for an operation on a lump on my tongue which will get sent off to a lab and ill find out the results in 6 weeks time! I am a little nervous but yeah well see. In the mean time we are going to talk about how we are going to make all of those goals my reality by making them into smaller goals etc… I am going to start tackling a new goal each week just so I don’t become overwhelmed and this series actually has some kind of structure. Let’s start with ‘Be more mindful/peaceful’ as currently my life is stressful AF and like I said in the intro my body is not handling the stress well. Also due to my mental health I do not handle stressful situations well (just the ones which tend to affect my life directly) and my reaction to them is literally yo crawl up into a ball and want to die. Dramatic? Maybe, Honest? Yes. I have always enjoyed meditation and yoga etc… however I never stick to it. You’re going to realise that a lot in this series. I literally give up on everything. So after a little google search on how to be more peaceful and calm in life. Yes you can google the answers to everything nowadays. I have decided too (I know there’s going to be a million lists in this series);
- Practice mediation and Yoga
- Get organised and purge old Items
- Stop myself from being judgmental
- Don’t worry about the future
- Eat real food
- Digital Detox
- Prioritise myself
- Forgive others
- Set a budget
- Spa Day/Relaxing Day
I survived the operation! Yep day 3 and I am still here but SO fucking sore. I woke up in the middle of the night in so much pain. I got up this morning and took some paracetamol, and I am waiting for that to kick in. If you’re squeamish then this video is not for you!
My plan for today was a room purge but due to how much pain I am in I am going to have to leave it until tomorrow, Netflix day?
Well here’s the thing, currently I can’t really practice mediation or yoga or all that stuff on the list in my room due too… well… mess. Again due to the whole motivational issue as soon as my room gets messy I literally just can’t motivate myself to do it and this builds and builds until it literally passes from my depression won’t let me do it to my anxiety nows went let me as this has now became a super stressful situation. But one of the 10 things to do on my list was organise and purge so this actually just has to happen now! This is the current view of my room from my bed…
Please for once, don’t comment haha. Has anyone seen the “My friends help me fix my hoarder life” video by Garrett Watts? No I know I am not a hoarder however I also do a similar thing that Garrett does where he attached memories and personalities to thins/items. Which is why I collect so much stuff as I can always attach a memory to them. In that video Shane purged so much of his stuff and yes it was a little sad for Garrett but it also meant that he now had time for new memories and could actually fit them into his life/house. So I can see this one being a tricky one but a good one. How do I blog this? like I feel like this is going to be a really boring paragraph. So once again lets just list everything I’ve chucked out or ‘purged’ and why.
Everything that was well, cancelled:
- All of my old nail varnishes – I got given new ones for my birthday off of bae and well my old ones have all been open and are like 3-10 years old… Turns out nail varnishes have a 6-30 month shelf life.. who knew? Also.. weirdly im using the old varnish to paint some rocks with…
- A million sweet wrappers.
- Old face cleansers, toners, face creams – again they have a shelf life!
- Hairbrushes – That I can’t use in my curly hair but 13-year-old me insisted.
- Old gym kit.
- Old underwear and socks.
- Old junk Jewellery.
- Actual rubbish.
I have decided that currently (until I get a job haha) Fridays into spa days/relaxing days. And before you all start and say but Iya you don’t work, isn’t every day a relaxing day? It is not. I am still doing things, or stressing about things etc… so yeah Fridays are now dedicated to relaxing. I am going to have 4 hours of no technology and literally just relax and do ‘me’ time. However, I have a Halloween games night tomorrow at mine. So I am going food shopping, prepping food and then doing a little hour spa time. So we will do the spa conversation next Friday.
Today is my Halloween games night and there’s a little stress but we can discuss those kind of stresses in the future! haha
Yesterdays game night went well, party from now on are going on hold! So much stress haha. Time for just me time. I spent today having a really chilled Sunday with my boyfriend and my friends Dieter and Lewis just playing board games and eating snacks!
In conclusion I feel like apart from a few stresses I’ve had an alright week! This week coming I think it is time to dive a little deeper… How was your week mentally?