January was a free trial month I think we can all agree. Also it was one of the longest months of my life. Ok nothing majorly bad happened it was just unproductive. Like when you say the diet starts Monday but then it just never happens and you carry on eating your family sized pack of mini eggs… story of my life. I definitely put like half a stone on and I clearly haven’t blogged despite having a million ideas. In all honestly I am just feeling lost.
Sometimes I just feel like I am living life but I am not actually there. Like have you had one of those days when you’ve walked or drove home from work and then you think to yourself that you can’t even remember that journey? you literally just did it subconsciously. Well that is how my January has felt. Like what am I even doing with my life? Since November I’ve changed my job 3 times.
I set myself the most simple plan last month and literally failed. My room is a mess, my forward planning for the year was just meh, my plank and gym challenge was terrible, I didn’t even stick to the 52 list project book, meal prep… well do Pringles count or? When you don’t suffer from depression laziness can often be seen instead of the, lets say side affect, of lack of motivation. Even though I seem happy you can normally tell how I am doing by how messy my bedroom is and well now… it’s a tip. I tried to go to the gym twice last month, the first time I went it was packed (never go at 6pm) there wasn’t a single treadmill free so I gave up, said to myself I would go later and then just didn’t. The second time I probably lasted a whole half an hour before my anxiety kicked in and I called my mum to pick me up. I am aware that I am not the biggest person in the world but that day whilst I struggled to do windshield wipers I felt like it. I felt judged and just gross. Were people even looking at me? according to Anxiety they all were. Meal prep was just not happening and in fact I very quickly slipped into an old mentality I use to have and found all of my Christmas snacks gone in a flash and eating myself for comfort.
When people think of depression its easy to just think that person just feels sad. They don’t see a lack of motivation or how it can affect every area of your life. I will even become shit at replying to text messages due to it. There is just a whole taboo around the subject which is why I created this section in my blog in the first place so I could literally share my experience and see if it could help anyone feel ‘normal’ who were feeling similarly. So here it is. Me actually using this section. And I promise to try and actually use this this section more frequently and actually do something which may make me feel nervous and vulnerable but I guess that’s the first step in all of this. So I will leave you with this question. How was your January?
Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.– Neale Donald Walsch
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